Josh and I play in a family Fantasy Football league. It’s always fun, but I’m going to be honest: I have never been as invested in that league as I am in our current 1 on 1 Fantasy Bachelor standoff. Here are the teams.
We drafted our teams just minutes before the premiere. Weeks 1 and 2 were kind of a blur of cocktail dresses and smeared lipstick (as they always are), and because I very WISELY chose Britt, I started Week 3 in the lead, 52 – 17.
So, here’s how things went during Week 3:
Chris reacted pretty much exactly I as I would have if I woke up to Jimmy Kimmel all up in my face. WTF indeed, Prince Farming. At least he brought coffee. 1 point to Kimmel.
Per Jimmy’s new rule, Josh and I decide to deduct a point for every “Amazing” this episode.
Kaitlyn gets the 1 on 1! She’s on my team and she’s one of my favorites. I think she’s hilarious and definitely too cool to be on this show. Their car pulls up at Costco – an “exclusive club,” get it?
“This is the kind of thing real couples do together,” says the note from Jimmy. This is hilarious. I am 100% in on this Costco commercial. This date looks more fun than any private concert or group tractor race. As Chris said, “Who the hell needs helicopters when you have Costco?” I especially loved the random kids pushing them down the paper goods aisle.
Back at the ranch, Chris and Kaitlyn talk about how this normal date was super fun and unique in its normalcy. I like how casual they seem together, but Josh says that the fact that they’re kissing to fill the lulls in their conversation is not a good sign. He’s just jealous that I drafted all the frontrunners. I think Chris and Kaitlyn are adorable, and I love that she’s a total spitfire.
At dinner, things get a little awkward. Katilyn implies that Chris isn’t a “legit” farmer because he doesn’t milk cows. Jimmy wants to talk about the Fantasy Suite, which Kaitlyn handles well. This is the most meta episode of The Bachelor I have ever seen. Jimmy proposes a threesome. I’m going to say it again: I love this date.
Group Date Card: still too many girls for me to keep track of, although my girl Britt and the enigmatic Ashley S are both going, as is our sweet little songbird Carly. Jillian loses 1 point for “Amazing.”
Wrapping up the 1 on 1: Kaitlyn gets a point for her kissing on this date and 3 more for the hot tub at the end. Chris gets a point for calling Jimmy an a-hole. Josh says he wishes Jimmy Kimmel was on every episode.
Back at the house, the girls get ready for their date. Jillian is pumping iron while the other girls stretch their hamstrings in the background. The group date is a “hoedown throwdown” on a farm. The girls have to shuck corn, find an egg in a chicken pen and crack it in a frying pan, milk a goat (as LEGIT farmers do, CHRIS) and drink the milk, shovel manure, and then WRESTLE A GREASED PIG. Whoever catches and pens the pig wins. It’s a metaphor for life.
Chris basically says that drinking goat milk from the teat isn’t a dealbreaker for him, but shucking corn IS. I like that he’s clear about his priorities.
Mackenzie is DQ’ed for breaking her yolk. Jillian is way too happy about the goat milking, and Carly is right there with her making inappropriate hand motions. Carly chugs the milk like a BOSS and heads for the wheelbarrows. Kelsey drinks her milk, but just barely. Jillian takes it like a shot of tequila. All three graduate to the pigpen.
Jillian goes totally aggro and jumps the fence to wrestle the pig, but Carly is the first to capture her pig and win her very first blue ribbon. NONE of this looks especially fun for the pigs, by the way. As part of her prize, they recreate the notoriously fun, joyful and romantic painting “American Gothic.” Chris waxes poetic about how you can admire a woman who wrestles a pig to the ground for the momentary affection of a stranger. He’s totally right.
And now, for the evening portion. Carly jumps right in and “steals” Chris from the group. Her blue ribbon for pig-wrestling is totally going to her head. She sings a verse of “You are woman, I am man” and gets 1 point for a kiss. Amber asks him for a slow dance and says “just pretend it’s our wedding,” which is totally a normal and not at all awkward thing to do. She gets a kiss, and Jillian does too (+1). Chris reminds us that kissing is “the point of this whole thing,” which Mackenzie somehow doesn’t understand. She and Britt both wish that they were the only ones racking up kiss points. Such is life on The Bachelor, ladies.
Becca gets some hand-holding on the rooftop as she shares her abbreviated life story. They’re making me nervous standing so close to the edge. She gets a hug and actually DECLINES a kiss (nervy!), and she gets docked for an “Amazing.”
Back at the house, the girls are bumming around waiting for the date card. It’s for Whitney! She loses a point (for Josh) when she cries over getting the card.
Wrapping up the group date: the rose goes to…Becca! Way to go, you coy lady, you! Carly is mega-bummed.
1 on 1 number 2: Whitney is “SO EXCITED” to be with Chris today. They clink glasses over a vineyard and dive right in to the life talk. Chris is looking for a smart, beautiful, funny girl who can “roll the cow (cob? What did he say?) and shoot the sh*t.” Typical. Totally randomly and not at all with the careful planning of the production team, Whit and Chris decide to go full #YOLO and crash a wedding going on just down the hill. Y’all crazy! Their plan is to pretend to be engaged and just “wing it” if anyone asks them who they are.
They “sneak” into the reception and are promptly invited to sit with the bride’s sisters and maid of honor. Chris blows it immediately by asking members of the wedding party who they are. Whitney covers for him and steers the conversation toward their fake engagement (another example of how she can roll the cab? tab? cob? WHAT IS HE SAYING?). She’s an excellent liar, which is I guess a great character trait for your future wife?
Chris is great at all of your favorite terrible wedding dances, including my fave, the fish on a hook. Whitney is honestly delightful – she’s moving in to frontrunner territory tonight. +1 point for a kiss on the dance floor (we count one kiss per date), -2 for two more “Amazing” offenses. Chris runs across a field to get her a rose (aww), and they end their date in a beautiful field with another smooch. They’re cute together, for sure.
Rose Ceremony day: Zoom in on Chris doing pilates crunches on his porch and then showering, also on his porch, and alongside Jimmy Kimmel. Up at the house, Whitney is tight-lipped with the girls about her “AMAZING” date, which is good. Take note, Mackenzie.
Jimmy delivers the news that they’re skipping the cocktail party in lieu of a POOL PARTY!!! Bring on the bikinis and full faces of makeup, always a practical pool party choice. Chris is pumped about the pool, but Ashley I. is NOT. A man after my own heart, Chris kicks things off with a cannonball.
Juelia decides the pool party is an appropriate time to tell Chris her (admittedly tragic) life story, just to make sure she gets the chance to tell him. Of course I can’t snark on her for her story – but I don’t love her timing. Chris is very sweet and supportive. -1 point to her for crying (sorry).
Down at the pool, Ashley I. is reminding us that she’s bummed out over the pool party. She’s worried about Britt, who is busy massaging Chris’s forearms and skipping that pesky conversation to get straight to the kissing (+1).
Jade says she wants to get in there, too (ha), so she grabs Chris’s hand and they sneak down to his house. Jillian stalks them down there to wait for Chris in his hot tub. Inside, Jade is low-key trying to snark about the outgoing girls (side-eye, Jillian). They move on to jumping on the bed (+1 for kissing, no points for the heavy petting) while Jillian soaks her tootsies outside in the hot tub in bikini bottoms and her tank top. Weird.
More girls (led by Ashley I.) are on the way down to find Chris when they spot Jillian and Chris. Jillian promptly tells the girls to scram, which I like. The girls disappear for approximately 45 seconds before they all come back to join the mini-party. +3 points each for Jillian, Ashley I., Megan, and Mackenzie for hot tub time with Chris.
Ashley I. is doing her darnedest to micro-manage the hot tub party process. She’s making it weird, she’s being desperate, AND she’s down one point for crying. Get it together, Ashley I. She throws her plastic wine glass down the driveway in a final act of protest, then stumbles through the gate and back up to the terrible, horrible, no-good very-bad pool party.
Mackenzie stumbles back in to the gaggle of girls to tell the tale of the hot tub. The girls agree that they are nervous and they want to talk to Chris – who shows up on cue to talk with Ashley I.! Finally! She just wants a kiss, a natural conversation surrounded by cameras and producers, and a confident feeling about sharing a boyfriend with 45 other girls! She is definitely too drunk to be having this conversation. She is also crying again (-1 more point). Chris is kind of weirded out, so he kisses her (+1 point). She’s really confident about their chemistry, dry mouth and all.
And now, it’s time for the rose ceremony! Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses. Ashley I. doesn’t have a rose yet, but she’s “like, at a 9″ in confidence and super-smirky, so she’s not worried.
Additional roses go to Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S. (thanks, producers), Nikki, Jillian, and Ashley I (who was decidedly less confident by the last rose of the night).
We said goodbye to Amber, Trina, and Tracy. Looks like next week may be the controversial campout cry-palooza date, which should be interesting!
FINAL SCORE: 28 (Josh) to 91 (Corley)
I’m kicking butt and rolling the cob. Cow. Cab. Whatever.