I’m late posting the recap this week – Henry decided last night that the notion of bedtime was both irritating and hurtful, so we weren’t able to watch live. I hope you can all forgive me.
Group Date #1 – Psycho Lake Party
Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey. The date card says “Let’s do what feels natural.” This is a hilarious concept on a show that seems to be, at all times, the absolute opposite of natural. Gonna be honest, Ashley I. and her crop top and already-unzipped jorts are grossing me out. Like all shy girls, she starts the party by taking off her bikini top in front of everyone. #shygirlprobs, am I right? Kelsey sums it up exactly as I would have – “I’m done. This is stupid.”
Back at the house – Double, double, toil and trouble
Carly adorably FLIPS OUT when Chris’s three sisters show up. She’s pretty starstruck, and I’m charmed. Jilian is mid-REM when the sisters arrive, so she and her black modesty box stumble sheepishly into the room behind everyone else. The sisters sit down for quality time with each girl.
Jade and Whitney get the spotlight during the sister interviews – both of them seemed to do just fine. Whitney seems like she is an ACE at meeting the family – this is probably something that always goes well for her.
On the Group Date, Kelsey is throwing MAJOR SHADE at the entire date – the water is muddy, the girls are dumb, the date is a “hell hole.” She wraps things up by saying “I wanna be where I wanna be, and I don’t wanna be here.” Mother Nature immediately retaliates by sending a bee to sting her in the groin. That’ll teach you to be a whiner!
Kaitlyn proves herself a master campsite-builder, only making her seem cooler to me. I WAS shocked that she didn’t make a crass tent-pitching joke, but the night is still young.
Jade gets the One on One Date! (+2) The other girls are crestfallen.
Back at the Group Date, the rose is in play! Kaitlyn asks Chris about his love language – he likes back rubs and “touchy feely” affection. Kaitlyn likes secrets and words. They kiss (+1). Kelsey is still just not feeling this date, although she turns on the sunshine with Chris. I think she’s trying to charm him into letting her go back to the house.
As the full moon rises, the girls shoot tequila and start the party. Ashley S. has the hiccups and starts teaching campfire songs. As a former camp counselor, I understand the need to sing in unison when a fire is going. Game recognize game. Mackenzie brings up aliens again. Chris jumps out with his best AXE MURDERER impression. Just a lot of wholesome campout fun all around.
Showing off his good instincts, Chris is mega-weirded out by Ashley S.. She gets her kisses in, so +1 for that. She drops an “I love you” in her ramble, which led to a major living room discussion on whether we count that as the official FIRST I LOVE YOU. After careful review, we count it and Ashley S. loses 5 points. He looks as uncomfortable as I feel. Kaitlyn drops a “right reasons” accusation (-3). Both of those girls on my team, so Josh says he’s mounting his comeback.
Ashley I, your makeout technique grosses me out (+1 for the kiss). I can’t help but think of this couple when I see her move in for the kiss:
Kaitlyn, my #1 favorite, gets the group date rose. Ashley I. and her creepy spider leg lashes vow to show Chris the real her – so she sneaks to his tent to tell him how “frickin’ innocent” she is. Chris is like I’ve kissed you, I know you don’t know what you’re doing. Ashley wraps up her ITM by saying “He can kind of probe at that area if he wants later on,” which is the least virginal way I’ve ever heard anyone talk about their virginity. EVER.
Back at the house
I like Jillian because it’s evident that when she’s not on a date, she’s napping. Smeared eyeliner, frizzy hair, comfy clothes…I get it, girl. She fills in the other girls on the details for the one on one, and the rest of the girls are obvi. mega-bummed.
“All I wanna do is go on a date and dress like a princess.” – WE KNOW, ASHLEY I. She says if asked, she would describe herself as a “hopeless romantic Disney princess.” I don’t think I could ever be friends with Ashley I. in real life.
This date really does look like a blast. She gets whisked into a room full of dresses and jewelry, some of which she gets to keep! Ashley I. watches from the corners, skulking around like Maleficent’s pet crow. She cannot shut up about how mad she is to be missing this date. Honestly, just gross.
One on One Date
Chris preps for the date by practicing his ballroom dancing and it is the most adorable thing he has done so far. He really is giving Jade the sweetest smile as she walks down the stairs, and she doesn’t trip, so she’s already doing better than I could! They seem to have a good conversation over dinner, and Chris presents her with the coveted Cinderella date rose.
They wrap things up with a VERY classy private concert (+5) and some kissing (+1) on top of a table in the ballroom. He seems to like her a lot.
Back at the House
In a totally normal and not at all psychotic move, Ashley I. puts on her OWN princess dress and grumps around eating corn on the cob and drinking champagne. Josh predicts “She’s gonna get wasted and do something stupid.” I think it’s a sound prediction – if not tonight, then soon.
Group Date #2 – Trash the dresses
Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca – “Let’s get dirty.”
If Ashley I. was bummed to miss the princess dress date, you KNOW she was foaming at the mouth over the wedding dresses! Jillian seems like she would gladly trade places to get out of her dress. But once she spots the MuckFest course, she brightens – an obstacle course! She gets to use her muscles! Hooray!
Jillian won, crossing the finish line with arms raised in triumph as the theme from Chariots of FIre swelled behind her. THIS IS HER MOMENT. Who needs a rose? She’s got an obstacle course and mud!
Jillian and Chris shower up and head to the evening portion of the date. She’s VERY high energy and crass, and she seems a little manic – Chris doesn’t seem to be especially enamored. She’s definitely losing him to his visions of “unicorns and dancing fairies.” He opts not to give her the rose – a bold move from Prince Farming considering she could probably bench press him. She starts scrambling and loses two points for two “vulnerable” statements. I really feel bad for her – the whole thing is weird and uncomfortable, and I think she really was doing her best. But props to Chris for being upfront and not stringing her along.
Rose Ceremony Night
So many of these girls are weirdos. Megan and her blindfold fruit tray game. Ashley I. and her 1,000 ways to say she’s a virgin before actually saying it (-1 for crying).
During the Ashley I. I’M A VIRGIN LOOK AT ME show, Becca volunteers that she, too, is a virgin – but the difference is that Becca is totally classy and subtle and doesn’t feel the need to make a huge deal about her private choices. No actual points to Becca, but major Corley points to her for being the Gallant to Ashley I.’s Goofus.
Britt is worrying about Chris’s moral standards for allowing girls to skinny dip on the lake date, and Chris is basically like Um, I’m a grown man and I do what I want, BYE MOM. She’s essentially talking trash about the other girls and shaming him for his choices, which is not a smart move.
Kisses at the cocktail party (+1 point each): Carly, Kaitlyn
- Roses tonight: Kaitlyn, Jade, Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I., Britt
- My favorites from my team: Kaitlyn, Carly
- Current standings: Corley – 101, Josh – 52